Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Mortimer’s Cross - AAR By Lord Stanley

Last Thursday we put paid to the lowly Lancastrian and nailed the body of the Lancastrian leaders to some nice new crosses at a place called Mortimer - henceforth known as ‘Mortimer’s Cross’ (sort of twisted version of history and local town naming etc etc…).

Lord Warwick seemed to have been affected by the heat by deploying his forces alongside the other Lancastrian Lord but soon remedied this by bidding the Yorkist leaders a fond fair well and withdrew his forces to cut off any Lancastrian retreat. Rumours of Warwick ‘The Kingmaker’ changing sides have been confirmed as being untrue and merely dirty Lancastrian propaganda.

Once this little mishap had been resolved good King Richard and I set about what was left of the rebel peasants. After a very short engagement the entire enemy host was put to flight (or death) having seen the demise of their leader, who was allegedly eaten by the Kings own warhorse- Hi ho Silver!!

Secure in his glory as true King of all England, King Richard slept on the field of battle ready to march on the morrow and defeat more scum- so in the words of Lady Delia of Norwich “Come on, where are you?”

On other matters has anyone seen my daddy??

Lord Stanley (The glint in the postmans eye)

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Battle of Northampton - Letter From The Earl Of Wessex To King Richard III

My Dear Friend Richard,

I am sorry for the delay in responding but it has taken a long time to carry out a proper burial and build an appropriate monument for the fallen foe who died on the Field of Northampton.

The Earl of Essex wishes it to be known throughout the Kingdom that the Army of The Man with No name did indeed fight bravely and with honour - My Nobles recognise their courage and tenacity- we salute you. It was however a futile gesture and they should never have been expected to defend a position that day against our superior force both in terms of numbers and quality.

Ultimately our forces led by Myself , the Earl of Essex, and admirably supported by Lord Stanley managed to secure the prepared positron they had been tasked to capture. Our army did not have the stomach to continue what would have been a slaughter and graciously decided that the few enemy troops left on the battlefield would be allowed- honourably - to retire from the scene and hopefully learn from their error of judgement and misguided loyalty to a cause built on the foundations of illegitimacy. .

We acknowledge the courage of our foe and would welcome them as brothers to join and support our legitimate cause and question the leadership and judgement of our enemies senior commanders to allow such a one sided contest to occur in the first place. Let it be known i take no pleasure in the slaughter of fellow countrymen.

Your Noble Friend,

Perkins Welbeck
Earl Of Essex
Lord Lieutenant of Ireland
Warden of the Northern Marches
High Admiral of England

Friday, 25 June 2010

Duc de Beatee Arrives !!! - INVASION !!!


The army of the Duc de Beateee has arrived on the shores of this kingdom of England in glorious fashion bursting through the host of Duke de Hathaway in a very convincing style. The cowardly Lancastrians lined the dunes as the French ships beached and disembarked their brave forces. They proceeded up the beach routing many thousands of iron shod billmen led by a so called noble knight. Some have previously described Francs Archers as "chicken" but these stout Gallic fellows certainly showed their mettle and together with the inspiringly accurate French gunners dispatched the billmen in short order.

The Lancastrian scum knights even left the area having been distracted by a handful of French Peasants allowing the bulk of the French army to successfully land and move to the nearby town where they took the castle by stealth, the garrison of which is now being buried beneath the dunes.

Another great victory to the Yorkists

Alistaire De Campbell
Scribe to the Glorious Dec De Beateee

The Queen Speaks

Well Sir Niknik,

Obviously this relates to a battle that went very differently to the glorious Lancastrian victory I witnessed where someone looking just like you failed to assault Daves position in support of his ally, whether through treachery, cowardice or incompetence I wouldnt know.

Your friend Queen Margaret

Monday, 21 June 2010

Lord Stanley The Younger - Latest Thoughts

Dearest Lords,

I have to take some issue with the recent comments issued by the Scottish element, namely;

1. Horde!! (Although there were two Yorkist Lords our numbers still failed to match that of the heathen Scots fighting in Lancastrian colours), they also had the advantage of secure flanks, narrow frontage, ditches and stakes over which we had to fight to get to the filthy dogs.

2. The only Lancastrians I saw praying were those under my sword at the end of the battle.

3. The only thing the Lancastrians held at the end of the day was a wake to mourn their numerous dead, they certainly did not hold their position as this was over-run by my lusty men. Although technically they did still hold it in a way, as most of their troops adorned the ground in a grisly array of death.

4. My guns crews were not slain but had merely withdrawn due to their powder being ineffective in the inclement weather.

My official head-counter Lord Darling (former chancellor and therefore brilliant bean-counter) said that he had counted over 100 dead felled by our arrows whilst we lost only 7 dead amongst our own number - A victory in any mans book- what happened on the other half of the field was none of my concern!!!

I’ll be quite happy to fight the remains of this army on any day of their Lords choosing!!

All the stuff about Fletch was true.

Lord Stanley the Younger –

“I seek him here I seek him there, my fathers slayer had better be ‘ware’’

Lancastrian Musings

We offer our greetings to all our noble subjects and allies.

We must celebrate our glorious triumphs in battle at Northampton and at Wakefield Common. The rebels have received two devastating defeats in the same week. Surely all must see that God is against them.

At Northampton our Scottish Friend defended the town and Priory against two rebel armies inflicting huge losses upon them and maintained his line of defence until night fell. The Rebel Earl of Essex revealed his popularity by fielding an army of foreign mercenaries. Stanley the Younger decided upon not supporting his allies assault for some mysterious reason so the Yorkists failed when by rights they should have easily swept our forces away. It is rumoured that 'Stanley the Younger' is a lookalike, the real Stanley having been kidnapped following a previous rout of Yorkist forces. Essex followed his usual practice of having huge numbers of his troops killed for no obvious reason.

At Wakefield Common our victory was even more decisive: Richard of York (self styled 'King' Richard), faced the forces of Margaret of Anjou and Lord Percy. All he had to do was leave Wakefield Castle, and take the road to Pontefract Castle to evade our forces. Instead he was cornered at Wakefield Common, believing that Lord Percy would aid him. Alas he was mistaken, for Percy had accepted Our forgiveness and deployed to attack Yorks forces. This he proceeded to do with skill and boldness. Anjous forces engaged Yorks all along his front and succeeded in turning back the rebels and eventually overwhelming their entire army.

At this point Richard could have shown his mettle and led his army to victory or death like a King. Instead he revealed his true nature; as his Men at Arms were hemmed in on all sides he slipped away from them and ran off to Pontefract, leaving his army to its fate. He boldly, bravely, ran away!

Richards army dissolved soon after and he was the only survivor. Our spies note that when interviewed by his allies after his heroic escape he confided "they were all expendable. I was okay and thats what mattered." Who could not want to follow this noble 'King' into battle?

We are grateful to our loyal and victorious generals and bestow upon them our thanks and the following gifts:

Our Scottish Friend is awarded the Lordship and Baronetcy of Houghton and Wyton, including the new village and garrison of Wyton on the Hill. He may also freely sack and destroy our disloyal towns of Lakenheath and Hendon at a time of his choosing.

We recognise the loyalty of our Noble Lord Percy and forgive him any sins and misjudgements that he may have had before. He has served Us bravely in battle and We award him the town and Castle of Wakefield, the Lordship and Baronetcy of the Alconburys.

Queen Margaret of Anjou's forces were led by a common soldier going by the name of 'Big Lawrence'. In our gratitude for his fighting skills, loyalty and success in the field of battle we award him the Lordship of Stewkely including Stewkely Meadows, and he is hereafter recognised as Her Majesties Champion.

In addition we must celebrate these crushing victories. All loyal nobles are instructed to have two days feasting and general debauchery, during which it will be in order to hang anyone bearing the name Richard or York without penalty as part of our victory celebrations. Peasants may have one half day off work to go to Church to thank God for saving them from the Yorkists.

For King Henry Plantagenet

A Highland Viewpoint


1. Please excuse the tardiness of this missive, as I have been incredibly busy after the dastardly attack by overwhelming Yorkist cowards round the bends in the river near Northampton. The 2 Yorkist lords, (Fletch & Nick) assembled their hordes (and my, they were big hordes) and brought them thundering across England's green and pleasant fields to bring death and destruction to my vastly outnumbered force, which was reduced by having many of their nobility attending prayers, and who therefore missed the battle.

2. That notwithstanding, the noble Lancastrian force bravely held their ground in the face of overwhelming odds, and even launched an audacious counterattack on Fletch's craven mercenary pikemen. This threw lord Fletch into severe panic, with various of his troops running in abject panic, while his noble knights, not having any counterparts to worry about, endeavoured to charge the advancing Lancastrians but botching up their manoeuvre and getting tangled up in a ditch - thereby playing no part in the battle. Some scurrilous bounders actually suggested that this was done quite deliberately, as a commander as able as Lord Fletch couldn't possibly make such a basic blunder, and that the Yorkist knights were afraid to face the Lancastrian infantry! Whatever the reason, the Yorkie bar Knights played no part in their armies endeavours, but almost joined their infantry in the route!.

3. Meanwhile, Lord Nick was fighting a much more canny battle. Advancing slowly, he was using his far greater volume of bowmen to whittle the gallant Lancastrian numbers. It wasn't without cost; the Lancastrian bowmen, incensed at the treatment they were receiving, showered the 2 Yorkist cannons with arrows, wiping out their crews. So as night began to fall, the Lancastrians were desperately holding their position by the river, having suffered dreadful losses from Lord Nick's archers, while Lord Fletch's forces were in complete disarray, with dead bodies strewn across the battlefield, and men routing in terror from the gallent band of Lancastrian defenders. An epic result for a hideously outnumbered Lancastrian force, and one that is thirsting for revenge.

One very enraged Lancastrian supporter.