Greetings to all loyal and well affected subjects.
The Lord has seen fit to reward his chosen King Henry with another marvellous victory! Rejoice!
The tales of heroism among the Lancastrian ranks are too many to recount in full, and the imecilic activities of the treacherous rebels too disgraceful to committ to parchment this day. However the people need highlights to bring the glorious episode to life, to divert them from their God given task of ploughing and being taxed.
Firstly it must be noted that the rebel filthy commoner Warpeck, or Simnel (or some other tradespersons name) has so little support in the country that his army was almost entirely composed of foreigners;French, Irish bog 'people', and even worse, Scots. This can hardly be called an army, it was more a convention of thieves and looters.
As the rebel Stanley took the field it was noted by all that he was so full of shame for his treason that he dared not let his troops wear his livery, dressing them all in black in a vain attempt to hide his identity.
As Waldeck failed in his assault upon Brave Bishop Mortons army, he authorised an assassin to stab our martyred hero in the back! Murdered in his moment of glory! For some reason the murdering guttersnipe claimed this as victory. Things may be so in the vile gutter that Welbeck inhabits, but noble deeds of war are evaluated quite differently. You can kill a man, but his reputation and honour live on.
My Lord Somerset was attacked by the perjured coward Stanley. Their armies traded arrows and blows, but the 'courage' of Stanley was tested so he hurried from the field leaving one of his henchmen in charge. As the Men At Arms closed to decide the issue, brave and combative words were exchanged between Somerset and Stanleys unsporting champion. This was no battle for honour, but a bloody fight for total victory. God gave victory to Henry's people, and the foul mouthed squire was struck down attempting to flee. In the pursuit 'brave' Stanley was cornered and felled like a squealing pig. The Yorkist Rebel army then dissolved, leaving the field to the loyal followers of the King.
Ex Post Facto. The entire Stanley family, and their direct relatives have been attainted by a legal Act of Attainder. Their lands, titles and marriages are forfeit. His Majesty withdraws his favour from such a vile litter.
Somerset, for his loyal and brave service has been appointed Royal Receiver of all Stanley lands and castles, and is permitted to kill anyone called Stanley whom he meets in the course of his travels.
Warpeck has fled to Ireland to recruit more bandits, though he may find it difficult as the Irish seem to die in droves under his command.
The coward Stanley was as noted above executed whilst attempting to escape. As befits a traitor he has been beheaded, and it has been returned to his family. His body has been fed to pigs and hopefully it will not poison them.
The traitor Stanley the younger remains at large but as he is outside the protection of the law, anyone who sees him can strike him down, where he will likely offer as little resistance as his bold talking father.
Poor Bishop Mortons remains were conveyed in State to his mausoleum at Canterbury. As he died defending his God appointed monarch he instantly becomes an English Martyr, and we understand that His Holiness will convey sainthood upon him presently. He rests in heaven on His right side and need not be troubled by the base cares of this world again.
His murderer, stabbing a simple priest in the back in the middle of a battle, can expect no such end. Killing a Bishop, and taking the field against ones God appointed King are both mortal sins: Murder and Blasphemy. We can be sure that he and his fellow conspiritors will edure in Hell for a thousand, thousand years, devilish tortures that not even a saracen or Yorkist could imagine.
All Yorkists are henceforth excommunicated and may not be offered the comfort of the Sacraments, or burial within Consecrated ground. Such treatment is fitting for Blasphemers and Regicides.
His Majesty conveys his paternal love and good wishes to all his loyal subjects.
Secretary to His Majesty Henry.
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